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Archive for June, 2011

~Swirling thoughts and a peaceful spirit~

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.  And quite frankly I’m terrified.  I have a class for the ER from 1-5, and then I’m going to go into the ER at 7pm for my first night shift. Thousands of thoughts are swirling through my mind…like, “I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know anything, I could kill someone, what if my preceptor thinks I’m stupid, wait, I already know I don’t know anything, what if it’s crazy and I hate it, what if I pass out, or throw up, or get yelled out, or, or, or…” the list goes on and on.  AND THEN…I start having a huge sad sob story for myself telling myself things like, “Nobody knows what I’m feeling, they have never had this kind of anxiety before, nursing has to be the most stressful job EVER….”  I have been somewhat anxious the past couple of days as these thoughts keep cultivating in my mind.  I will say though, I have been pushed to pray a lot more than I have in quite awhile.  I also believe that those closest to me are talking to the Father about all my worries, because I have felt a deep sense of peace this afternoon.  I’m still nervous.  I know there will be days that are awful, and everything I mentioned earlier could very well come true, such as the getting yelled at, but at this moment, I know that things will be okay…even if they aren’t…the will be.  Of course it will be scary, every new thing in life is, but it’s totally worth it:)


“Nursing is an art: and if it is to be made an art, it requires an exclusive devotion as hard a preparation, as any painter’s or sculptor’s work; for what is the having to do with dead canvas or dead marble, compared with having to do with the living body, the temple of God’s spirit? It is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.” Florence Nightingale



It’s strange to me to that I can be so “homesick” for a place that I have been to only twice.  My heart aches to be there, and as I look through the thousands of pictures I took while there my vision is clouded with tears…tears of happiness and sadness and longing and frustration and a joy I can’t really describe in words or feelings.  It’s just something deep within me, like a part of me has always been there, or was left there, and at some point I must go back, I must not forget, even though honestly it’s quite painful to remember at times.  Painful, because it’s seems I have blinked and time has passed right before my eyes.  I don’t want to live in the past or glorify those days in any way, but I am so very thankful for them.  China changed my life.  The people I went with changed my life.  The people that surrounded me changed my life.  I have not been, nor will ever be the person I was before I left.  On June 3, a great man, someone I learned so much from in a short time, died.  I wish I could describe him on here in a way that would be adequate, but it’s just not possible.  He made me want to love Jesus more.  He challenged me and encouraged me, and frankly made me laugh.  He was firm in what he believed, yet was willing to be open and vulnerable to those around him. He encourages me, and inspires me to continue to cling to what is important to me, and to LIVE IT OUT EVERYDAY.  It’s been really hard for me to make any sort of sense of how I feel and to get it into words, and this is the best I could do.

DL, thank you.







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