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~ randomness ~

One of the first things I was told when I found out I had been offered a job in the EC was, “ You will learn not to care, you will become jaded after a bit just because of everything you will see.”  To a point, this is very true.  I could fill pages and pages of terrible, and terribly stupid stories.  Because patients either go home, get admitted, or die in the ER it is easy to become almost robotic.  It is not hard being a nurse.  Before you read too much into that, let me explain exactly what I mean.  Anyone, within reason, can be taught how to do a head to toe assessment or draw up a medication correctly.  The things I was taught in school are very black and white for the most part.  Push a med slow, check a blood sugar, feel for pulses, and the list goes on and on.  The only problem with all of that is that people are messy.  People are what make everything very grey, and somewhat difficult at times.  I am not ignorant of the fact that I wear everything I’m thinking and feeling on the outside.  Someone can usually take one look at me and know exactly what is going on in my head.  This isn’t always a good thing, depending on what look I’m wearing at the moment.  Life lately, well, has been difficult, and stressful, and extremely messy.  It’s made me spend a good amount of time thinking about why I am the way I am.  I’ve tried to “toughen up” as some people say, and just not care so much, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I would be doing myself a disservice.  I like that I’m passionate about things, and care to the point of tears, ( lots and lots of tears lately).  I want people to know how much I appreciate, love and care for them, whether that is a co-worker that buys me a coke because I’ve had a stressful day, a funny boy that tells me I’m a good nurse when I’m completely doubting what I’m doing with my life, or a friend that chit chats about our current frustrations until we literally cannot talk about it anymore.  Carrying around that kind of emotion on the outside obviously comes with some risks.  But I think it makes me stronger person, not a weaker one.  Of course I will get hurt, isn’t that a part of life?  That though, is worth it to me. If I was to die today, or tomorrow, or in 20 years, I would want people to see and know my heart, and to be able to say that I may have been a mess and a little crazy, but genuine and very sincere in my efforts to make them feel appreciated, and that I truly did care so much about them.  The people weaved in and out of my life make it what it is…beautiful

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